I am writing this with my full consciousness. I am documenting myself, in other words.
I am arriving at a very interesting point in time of my being. (Like Jamie said.) Why? Because I am celebrating every aspect of it. And because, I think, I am aware of my decisions and actively responsible for my choices.
Earlier this year, I registered for a creative documentary film course. This is more experimental and contemporary place for films than the previous center I was in. Unsurprisingly, I struggled at first.
Earlier this year, I applied for an intern position at a reputed joint-venture media agency. I was supposed to be working with PR team with my intention being just to get to know how media really looked like from the inside. What’s the deal there? What can I learn? And I was sent to a GR team, unexpectedly.
And earlier this year, I was invited to a team to organize a math competition. The competition was here and there in the math world, specifically in Singapore and the US. The leader was this girl famous since forever for academic excellence.
Not so early this year, just about recently, I fell out of league with the school. I postponed every morning going to school. I submitted a paper as assigned, I did a few research, but I didn’t (technically) go there.
Not so early this year, just about recently, I was accepted to this summit of youth that would gather in Hanoi for a week or so.
Not so early this year, about 2 months ago, I got caught in this love (kind of) affair that started in a car ride and now still happening at the same place. It was strange, but it kept me going. I think it is because of my nature and because of how it made me realize things I had been ignorantly prejudiced about.
As much as I have heard, doing-it-all, or the pursuit of excellence, kind of thing never once appeals to me. But this is the first time I could drum at the table, claiming loudly to everyone at the near tables, that those things aforementioned are what I truly want to perfectly accomplish. And even the things that I am not doing, I celebrate them too, because I hope for myself that I would finally overcome my fear and face it. That task can be even more challenging because I am shying away from it by fulfilling my to-do list with other things. Matter-of-factly, I am just fooling myself that I am still all good.
But I do feel good.
All at once, all the things I am doing connect together. The film I had to come up with ended up being about the media agency I was working for. I bought a camera and got really better at technical stuff. Filming the workplace made me think twice, and sometimes 4, 5 times, about the reality in which I am a part of. I am then effortlessly critical of my being there and the place plus its functions. Both my creative and professional venture are fulfilling. Organizing the competition, it turns out, has nothing for me to have to do with the theme itself. I was instead exposed to the structure of some governmental agencies and saw how they worked, and how the interpersonal communication worked itself out in such cases. And I personally got better at that too.
And when people are preparing for trips and travels to get to know themselves better, aren’t involvement and work much more of a travel? I think it gives more insightful answer and it causes you more energy to get that fruitful one. As long as you work towards it.
And maybe after all, what dawns on me, is not everything I do now is what I will continue to do in the future. I won’t end this note by ‘who knows’ as an open scenario, because I know that it’s me who knows about it.